Then there are the phone calls. Verifying which providers accept Medicaid, registering for school, requesting all kinds of records. The phone rings daily with information or requests from social workers.

It is a happy and busy place to be. It feels purposeful and yet so much is unknown. We will do our best to be physically ready so we can focus our energies on navigating the emotional components of this great shift.

Soon we will have a date. Soon they will have tickets. Soon there will be a count down.

Abortions and Crime: Freakonomics movie

This link is to a video that provides a well-supported argument that there is a direct link to the availability of legal abortions and a lower crime rate. I present this not so much as an argument for legalized abortion, but more as an argument to support birth control coverage to curb unwanted pregnancies and for women’s health issues. Abortion as birth control you say? Not so fast. The possibility exists that with continued access to affordable birth control there would be less unwanted pregnancies and thus less abortions.

Watch and think. That is all.

My choice then becomes what to drink? No diet soda. Why? because of the artificial sweeteners. OK. All the other flavored drinks I’ve looked at have some sort of artificial sweetener. Not any better. Juice, Fruit2O, Sparkling Rain, all have either sugar (calories) or artificial sweetener (chemical crap). I went through this same mentality when I was pregnant. I would get three drinks into a Diet Caffeine Free Coke and have to throw it out. Mommy guilt, nothing good for the baby in that.

That leaves me with water. Thanks to friends I can infuse my water with yummy things like cucumber and pretend I’m drinking my water from the spa. But water, plain simple water. I will drink it and I will learn to like it.

**exceptions: two cups of coffee in the AM, white w/ half and half and sugar. And if I’m drinking out it’s rum and diet all night long. A girl must have her vices after all.**

To get a dopamine “hit,” make something that pushes you to the furthest edge of your ability, where you’re not only focused but learning and perfecting skills…At first, depending on how addicted to mania you happen to be, the excitement-grubbing part of your brain won’t want to stop obsessing about over-the-top experiences. It will cling to its fantasies about the next huge thrill…keep creating.

As you persist, your brain will eventually yield to the state psychologists call mindfulness. Your emotions will calm, even if you’re physically and mentally active. You won’t notice happiness when it first appears, because in true presence, the mind’s frantic searching stops. In its place arises a fascination with what’s occurring here and now. Though this feeling is subtle, it’s the opposite of dull. It’s infinitely varied and exquisite.

The aftermath of a creative surge, especially one that involves a new skill, is a sense of accomplishment and increased self-efficacy-which psychologists recognize as an important counter to depression…you’re left with the happy fatigue of someone who is building strength.

Pay attention to this process, and you’ll see that the motivation to be here and now will gradually grow stronger than the cultural pressure to seek excitement. You’ll find yourself increasingly able to tune in to the delights of the present even when you’re not actively creating. When this happens, you’ll be on your way to genuine happiness: abundant, sustainable delight in the beautiful moments of ordinary life.”

Go be creative!!!

From O magazine, February 2012, Martha Beck

When we hear of someone changing their habits or lifestyle so dramatically we say or think, “wow, that seems extreme”. Yet, when someone has open heart surgery we don’t see it with quite the same extremeness. We seem to have been lulled to the fact that open heart surgery is almost normal, we all know someone (friend, family member) who has undergone this ordeal and it seems to happen with relative frequency. How many people do you know on a plant based diet?

Another fact that got my attention is that open heart surgery (bypass or otherwise) is merely a treatment of symptoms caused by heart disease. It is essentially a (rather large, painful and high risk) band-aid.  Surgery does not cure the heart disease. The patient is still sick.  Surgery has then prolonged the life of this sick person.  Why do we view radical eating habits as more extreme? Wouldn’t it make more sense to adopt a lifestyle that is healthy and sustainable (on many levels)?

The film definitely got my attention, definitely got me thinking. I’m not eating a plant based diet just yet. However, I can say that if I’m going to be extreme, I would much rather have it be in the way of health vs. disease.

Find a group.

Find a job

Find the one.

Have one.

Have two.

Roast a chicken.

Cut bangs.

Run.

Breathe.

Run.

Relax.

Run a 5K.

Run a 10K.

Crunch.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

Be loved.

Look lovely.

Do good.

Give back.

We kick asphalt.

Power to the She.

Thanks to the Altheta ad/marketing dept. Y’all rock.

Right now we are preparing for the both the possibility that we will have four children by Christmas and the possibility that we won’t. It sounds straight-forward enough, but they are children, and it’s Christmas. These are kids who don’t have much at all to call their own. While our daughter has had the same room for all of her 8 years on this planet, these children have not. I have to suppress the urge to have EVERYTHING monogrammed to announce to them immediately, “this is yours”. On one hand we want to give them everything in all the catalogs, make up for all the Christmases they haven’t been able to celebrate wildly. And then a (wise) friend pointed out that we don’t want to set expectations too high in case we do get to adopt them. How would we ever be able to do it again next year?

It is a tricky thing to prepare physically for both possibilities. If they do not come out things would have to be returned. It sounds odd to say that, why wouldn’t we ship it all out to them? The answer is that their stuff doesn’t always follow them. They could be shifted to another family and their clothes, toys, personal items don’t get packed up with them. So while a child’s delight is a beautiful thing, having to leave it behind is so very sad and yet another loss. We have a gift plan in place and we feel good about how we’ve balanced it. What we have now would get shipped out if they are unable to be with us. If we get the call, we have one more shopping trip to make. I would happily endure the retail masses on this endeavor.

Our phone now regularly rings with social workers on the other end. This has not happened before. This is one of the reasons I know this time is different. We are filling out paperwork (finally!), the social workers are filling out paperwork and the goal is to get the children here. We have talked to the children and seen recent pictures of them. This too is a change from how it has been before and another reason we know it’s different this time. We have been told that there is no other plan for our kids. We are the plan.

That all changed two days ago when the conditions took a turn for the worse. The children were met at school by social workers and taken separately to new foster homes. The girls are at one home and the boy at another. This is the first time in three years that they’ve been separated. Neither are homes they’ve been to before. It is not likely that they will return to their aunt’s home (that of course could change as much as anything thing else). We are not sure if they are being allowed to attend the same school they started in just a month ago. (Side note: I had no idea this was even an issue within the foster system. Not only are children moved from home to home more frequently than any would like, but when they are moved they must go to new schools if they have moved to a different district (neighborhood). Are you kidding me?! Let’s make it absolutely impossible for these kids to get a foundation under them and have a positive predictable school experience.)

Currently their father is not wanting to continue receiving services, which is a sterile way of saying that he doesn’t want to drug test, go to classes or stay out of jail, in an effort to regain custody of his children. There is a court date in early November scheduled to severe his parental rights. Their mother is still in prison and due for release after the first of the year. She has been told that it would be at least a year before the children would be placed with her as social services wants to be sure she can handle the stressors of day to day life in addition to caring for her children. The children do not know this. The children are waiting.

Taking all of the above into consideration the social worker indicated to us last night that they are running out of options and asked would we still be willing to care for the children. YES! of course. And so, we are back in the loop. There will be paperwork to fill out, home visits to plan, court dates to follow. When we pressed the social worker for a time-line in our favor she hesitantly replied, “by the end of the year”. So, we don’t have four kids today. We aren’t buying beds, clothes or sending away for immunization records to register for school. But it is a possibility again. This time it feels like we are more of an option, then again it could just be our hearts pulling for these kids. Our kids.

What about the (much debated) “language” of love? And what to do when feelings of love and actions of humans don’t match? Loving someone can be easy, yes? Getting along through life with them can be tough. Is love ever wrong? Unhealthy? sure. but wrong? I don’t know.

We all yearn to be loved. We all delight in seeing someone’s eyes light up at our entrance. We all like knowing that someone has sought our attention, cares what we think, and has our back. I think we each have a desire to be known, and accepted. As a dear friend once stated, “I’m thankful for friends who know my shit and love me anyway”. I think it’s even deeper than that. It’s letting someone know your deepest thoughts and desires, wishes and dreams, weaknesses and failures. The love comes when the other person cherishes that information. The love comes when that person shares all of that with you. The love comes when you respect each other through it all. I think what kills love is when people stop respecting the information. When the people we’ve opening up to stomp all over our hearts or act like it didn’t mean anything after all.

A few decades ago as a teenager I had already come to a place where I decided I was done. Done. My heart had been broken, falling in love never ended happily ever after and I was done. Pretty jaded for a teen, but maybe that’s what the angst is all about. During this time I came across a book, I still have it. The title is, “The Next Time I Fall In Love”. It has graphs and insight on how we need to share on all levels equally in order to move forward healthfully in relationships. Basically the emotional sharing needs to happen before physical interactions, and the communication needs to continue at the same level of the “lovin’ touchin’ squeezin’ ” or else feelings get out of balance, people feel used, or possibly there is no foundation to build your relationship. This was fabulous information, and thus I kept the book to pass along the great wisdom to others.

Enter Jeremy Davis. A young man in search of relationship advice. Why he sought me out I will never know. But that’s how our story started. He found me during my time of relationship reflection, my time “off”. He was trying to make things work with another girl and wanted advice. And so I gave him all the advice I had at that time. As it turns out it was a whole train-ride’s worth. We followed it up with many long phone calls and a few heartfelt notes. For the record he didn’t follow my advice. He got his heart broken and I helped him put it back together. The rest is 23 years of history. We have history, we have depth, we have great love and respect.

After we had our daughter, Jeremy came up with a parenting goal for us, for her. Our goal is to love her in such a way that she learns how to give and receive love in healthy ways. If we can do that we will have given her a great gift.

Jeremy also said, “It’s not who you love, but that you love”. You heard it here first!

It can hurt to love and not have the feeling returned. It can hurt to love and not be respected. It can hurt to have loved and lose it all. Once you have picked up the pieces, dusted yourself off and continued down your path, don’t forget to love. Don’t give it away, or sell it cheaply. It is a treasure, treat it as such.