It is a difficult thing to love your body.  I know of only a few who truly do.  This year I have worn a two-piece bathing suit (that bares my belly) for the first time since… EVER!  I’m 37, how did this happen?!  I look back at pictures and sigh because I thought I was fat THEN.

I’m blessed that my body works, my feet can dance, my arms can carry groceries, my hands can write. Yet, I often fail to appreciate those things.  When I was pregnant, and acutely aware of the power of my body, one of my mantras was, “my body was made to do this”.  Now I use the same mantra in spin class.  I was hit by a car when I was six years old. I spent three months recuperating, but I did. I healed to be a happy healthy kid whose body functions as intended.

We are so hard on ourselves, why? Wouldn’t we be happier if we accepted our bodies for their limitations, but worked within them to make them the strongest and healthiest possible? I think so.

You are young, vibrant, healthy. Love your body, you are beautiful!!!

The little girl and I recently returned from a trip out west. Due to a savvy case worker and a six hour road trip we were able to reconnect with the children over lunch and a playdate at the park. Let me say this, there are alot of things wrong with CPS and the foster care system, but any social worker willing to drive six hours (each way) with three small children in one day so that we could all see each other gets some kudos in my book. We drove from WA, they drove from CA and we met in OR. As soon as the kiddos saw each other they were instantly “best cousins” all over again. At lunch they were making potty jokes, giggling and telling stories. The youngest babe sat on my lap and ate fries. It was delightful. After we filled our bellies we headed to the park.

We lucked out and it was a fabulous sunny day. We had packed snacks, sand toys, sidewalk chalk, and bubbles. They ran, swung on the swings, spun around, shot basketballs, blew bubbles, slid down the slide(s), traced each other in chalk, hopped hopscotch, and smiled for the camera. We were able to savor this family bliss for about 2.5 hours. It was not long enough. I had to make a conscious effort not to cry when it was time to say good-bye. I knew if I started they would follow and that would just be bad all the way around. We gave them gifts to play with on the car ride back to CA, we blew kisses and the social worker made promises of trying to get a visit to NC this summer. And instead of my heart breaking while saying good-bye, it grew. It grew as only a parent’s (guardian, care-giver) heart can. It grew the size of four small children (including our own dear sweet little girl) ranging in age from seven to one. It was great to see them all smiling, happy and healthy.

It was good to reconnect. Aug. 10th is the next court date.

Today is a perfect example of why I should take a scale break. I weighed first thing this morning, as per above and the scale produced a lovely number, I was thrilled. Oh happy day the new plan is working. Then I showered, dried off, blew my hair dry and just before I got dressed I wanted to see that beautiful (confirming) number again. The second time around the number was increased by 1.5. *sigh* seriously?  Where did my fabulous number go? I had seen the second number several times. There is nothing magical about the second number. Hm… maybe that means there’s nothing magical about the first number either. And why should how I feel be dictated by a number?

Then I saw this quote and it made me think that my days on the scale may be numbered (no pun intended)

“Balance is what you find when you step off the scale”

Three pages of the packet they sent us was devoted to questions for us to individually answer about how we came to be the people we are today. It covered everything from “describe your mother and father, what was your relationship like growing up, what is your relationship like today. describe the homes you grew up in. describe your relationship with your siblings, now and in the past. describe what you like most about your spouse, and least. how do you make decisions in your family. how are emotions displayed in your family” and it went on and on like that for three typewritten pages.

We didn’t fill it out right away because JD had been unemployed and we figured it wouldn’t do any good to fill out the paperwork until he had secured a job. So, we waited until mid-January when his position at UNC came through (whoo hoo!!!). Because of that delay we had read the pages of questions several times and had time to ruminate over them. When the time came to put pen to paper, or rather fingertips to keyboard, we were ready. It still took me over four hours to finish nine pages of answers. JD finished a tad faster and had more pages (eleven if my memory serves).

With paperwork in hand I met with the placement specialist and turned in our “homework”. She promptly scheduled a home visit. *GULP* I was ill-prepared for her to be ready to schedule the visit. Between the paperwork and the scheduling of the home visit it all of a sudden felt like this was really happening. We could possibly be placed with three children. I was shaking. I shook all the way home. I was probably still shaking when JD got home that night. 

A few court dates have gone by in CA. No decisions have been made. No recommendation can be made until our home visit is complete. The next court date in CA is scheduled after our home visit, coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. We do not have four kids right now. We will not have four kids in the month of February. How do you raise your sister’s kids? Eventually you have to pass the home visit. Wish us luck!

If you aren’t going to the link I’ll go ahead and tell you, it’s a milkshake available from Baskin & Robbins that has 2600 calories with 1220 of them from fat. I feel a coronary coming on just reading that. It’s a huge (36 ounce) shake, but I’m sure I could drink it. How many people are drinking these with no clue?

For those who need a little perspective, according to Cooking Light magazine a woman 25-50 years of age should take in no more than 2000 calories in a day. When I had my last heart rate test at the gym my number was around 1600 to lose weight. In a one hour spin class I usually burn between 500 and 600 calories. That means that if I drank (DRANK I wouldn’t even get to chew it!) this shake I would have to work my ass off in 5 spin classes JUST TO STAY AHEAD of the calories. And that doesn’t even account for the 59 grams of SATURATED fat. I wouldn’t be able to have a cholesterol test for like 3 months!

I guess my point is this, know what you are using for fuel. Fuel, that’s how I’ve come to look at food most recently. Is what I’m putting in my body going to help me do what I need to do? Is it going to get me through the day? through the stress? through the work-outs? If I eat crap I’m going to feel like crap. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of feeling like crap.

Eat consciously, be aware. Even when you splurge, be aware.

P.S. another possible word for the year: Focus

These thoughts have been rambling through my head since I made that post. Jeremy had surgery a couple weeks ago and in the first few hours of that experience and into the coming days these thoughts came together. Thus, a convergence of thought.

• I am thankful for a vital husband who is extremely capable and talented
• It makes me smile that even through his pain (emotional or physical) he still tries to make me laugh and often succeeds
• During the first hours and days of his recovery I helped him get dressed, socks, shirts the whole bit. It occurred to me how grateful I was that this wasn’t our normal. That he will get better and he’ll be able to care personally for himself. I was happy to do it, don’t get me wrong, but I was glad that it was temporary and not a Christopher Reeve situation.
• At one time I would have said we are lucky. These days can’t say I really believe in luck so much (check back if we ever win the lottery). I know that we both work hard at our relationship and I know we are both committed to it.
• I am thrilled to be with someone that I would be attracted to and desire to be with even if I met him for the first time today.
• It’s interesting to note that we’ve known each other for 20 years and yet I learned just a few weeks ago that he likes Laffy Taffy. who knew?! I can’t help but wonder what else I’ll learn in the coming years.

I do thank God for my husband and our marriage. I don’t take it for granted. It is something so precious and so dear that it is difficult for me to put into black and white words on a page. It feels as though the words limit what it is.

So, there it is. Some people might say we are lucky to have been together for 20 years (married for 17), and I suppose in some ways we are, but the two of us know the hard work and committment it has taken and will continue to take. Here’s to 18 years in 2009!

A few weeks ago in church we discussed various things about being thankful.  One option was to list our thanks physically on a huge piece of craft paper taped to a table.  We made a list very similar to the one we come up with each night.  Ever since then I’ve been even more conscientious (really don’t know how to spell that word) about thinking what I’m thankful for.  Here goes:

• a safe reliable car to drive
• warm clothes to wear
• a heated nice house to live in
• enough food
• a computer
• access to healthcare
• a healthy body and access to a fabulous gym
• amazing friends
• sound financial advice
• working appliances
• a cozy warm bed to sleep in
• running water and toilets that flush
• a happy healthy child

Life has been stressful and it will continue to be so.  By continuing to be thankful I feel like I am being taken care of and that my glass is (at least) half full.

Thank you!

Currently the children are in their third foster home. They have been “in the system” approximately eight weeks. To be perfectly honest I’ve had to distance myself a small bit from dwelling on this and obsessing about all that they must be thinking and feeling (avoiding the roller coaster). If and when they are here, living permanently in our home, we will work through it with them then. Maybe what I imagine they are going through is actually better, or possibly worse, but there isn’t much I feel we can do until we have them.

All of the information that we receive is second hand. Shasta County knows that we exist and knows that we’ve said we’ll accept and raise the children if they become available, but they don’t call and inform us of things. So, I have to filter all of the information based on where it comes from and then I can still only allow myself to go so far with it. Even if this drags on and on for months (and it will for at least three more) I have to believe that we did the right thing by turning the situation over to CPS. Even if I did allow myself to stay up nights worrying about that decision it wouldn’t matter because it’s done. And for the record, I don’t regret it at all. I have to believe that in the long run these beautiful children will benefit from their parents having to prove their ability to care and provide for them. That’s our goal in this. All children deserve to be loved and provided for, and these are three that we can help.

Let me explain… there is sand and wind on the beach. Need I say more? My comment was meant to disspell the myth of the Hollywood sexy beach scene. By now, as reasonably well-educated adults, we should realize that EVERY Hollywood scene is well-lit, designed and rehearsed over and over. When the non-professionals attempt to recreate such a scene we forget about things like sand and wind. So, my comment was in no way related to the quality of the actual encounter, but rather the surroundings that left much, much to be desired.

There. The conversation last night moved much too fast for me to defend my comment. But here it is now for all the web to see.

The short story is that JD’s sister has left her kids for the umpteenth time with their mom, the children’s grandmother. Grandma is capable of handling one of the kids at a time for a day at a time. I don’t think that’s unusual. When my sister-in-law leaves it’s usually under the guise of “I’m gonna go get a Coke, I’ll be right back” and she’s gone for anywhere from 12 hours to a week, without any communication or way to get ahold of her (she won’t answer her cell phone). This happened, most recently, yesterday. However, yesterday CPS and the police were called to take the children because grandma could no longer care for them. This is new. This has never happened before. It’s time.

This starts a clock for their mother. The mother now has 48 hours to claim her kids. If she does then the circus starts all over again. If she doesn’t then she has six months to take classes and follow the rules set by the state to regain custody of her children. It isn’t a perfect system by any means. The laws are all on her side. We have to wait and see what she does. She may do nothing and the children will be available at the end of six months for placement. She may pull it together and regain custody. In all likelihood she’ll get her act together a little, just enough and this will drag out for more than six months.

The children are six years, three years and six months old. My heart breaks for them. From the moment each one was born I told JD I would take them, accept them into our home as our own and raise them. Somehow deep in my soul I knew it would be a very real possibility that they would become our children. We have planned for them in ways that they don’t yet know. Each trip to CA I want to scoop them all up and bring them home with us. They didn’t ask for this. It isn’t their fault and yet, they are the ones suffering the consequences. It will be years until they can understand it all.

Their mother was and is young and unmarried. She has a grade school education, has been abused by her boyfriend (the children’s father) and has addictions of her own. I don’t blame her for her situation. I am deeply saddened that she does not realize the damage her actions have had and will continue to have on her children. I don’t doubt for a second that she doesn’t love them. She is simply unable to care for herself, let alone anyone else.

There is a simple way for her to surrender guardianship and temporarily assign it to JD and I (we would then apply for permanent guardianship), she won’t do it.

So, the first thing you must do if you are going to raise your sister’s kids is love them. The second thing you must do is get custody. The first was easy, done. The second will require more time for her and the state to make their decisions. In the mean time we’ll do what we need to do to get guardianship paperwork rolling so we’re ready when the children are available.