Jenn's Zen

Today I was at the gym, in the locker room doing my hair and make-up in front of the huge bank of mirrored sinks. Further down the counter from me were three bikini clad teen-aged girls. Their hair was up, suits on, towels ready and they were heading obviously out to the pool. While waiting for their friends they stood at the mirror and critiqued themselves. They pulled at their suits, they grimaced, they turned around seeing what others would see from behind. They thought they were fat. I wanted to scream, “You are young, vibrant, healthy young women. Love your body, you are beautiful!!!!”

It is a difficult thing to love your body.  I know of only a few who truly do.  This year I have worn a two-piece bathing suit (that bares my belly) for the first time since… EVER!  I’m 37, how did this happen?!  I look back at pictures and sigh because I thought I was fat THEN.

I’m blessed that my body works, my feet can dance, my arms can carry groceries, my hands can write. Yet, I often fail to appreciate those things.  When I was pregnant, and acutely aware of the power of my body, one of my mantras was, “my body was made to do this”.  Now I use the same mantra in spin class.  I was hit by a car when I was six years old. I spent three months recuperating, but I did. I healed to be a happy healthy kid whose body functions as intended.

We are so hard on ourselves, why? Wouldn’t we be happier if we accepted our bodies for their limitations, but worked within them to make them the strongest and healthiest possible? I think so.

You are young, vibrant, healthy. Love your body, you are beautiful!!!

This could also be titled, “My Heart Grew Four Sizes That Day”. 

The little girl and I recently returned from a trip out west. Due to a savvy case worker and a six hour road trip we were able to reconnect with the children over lunch and a playdate at the park. Let me say this, there are alot of things wrong with CPS and the foster care system, but any social worker willing to drive six hours (each way) with three small children in one day so that we could all see each other gets some kudos in my book. We drove from WA, they drove from CA and we met in OR. As soon as the kiddos saw each other they were instantly “best cousins” all over again. At lunch they were making potty jokes, giggling and telling stories. The youngest babe sat on my lap and ate fries. It was delightful. After we filled our bellies we headed to the park.

We lucked out and it was a fabulous sunny day. We had packed snacks, sand toys, sidewalk chalk, and bubbles. They ran, swung on the swings, spun around, shot basketballs, blew bubbles, slid down the slide(s), traced each other in chalk, hopped hopscotch, and smiled for the camera. We were able to savor this family bliss for about 2.5 hours. It was not long enough. I had to make a conscious effort not to cry when it was time to say good-bye. I knew if I started they would follow and that would just be bad all the way around. We gave them gifts to play with on the car ride back to CA, we blew kisses and the social worker made promises of trying to get a visit to NC this summer. And instead of my heart breaking while saying good-bye, it grew. It grew as only a parent’s (guardian, care-giver) heart can. It grew the size of four small children (including our own dear sweet little girl) ranging in age from seven to one. It was great to see them all smiling, happy and healthy.

It was good to reconnect. Aug. 10th is the next court date.

I have a love/hate relationship with my scale. I love when it shows numbers I want to see and I hate it when it doesn’t show me the numbers I want to see. I am addicted to my scale. For two years I have weighed myself at least once a day (in the morning, after I’ve peed, if you must know) and I think that proves I’m a little crazy. I’ve considered not weighing for a month, based on the whole, “it takes 28 days to change/break your habit”. So far I’ve been wildly unsuccessful at not weighing. How else will I know if I’m progressing? How will I know if I’m eating right? And I know all the answers to those questions, “go by how you feel” “go by how your clothes fit”, blah, blah, blah…

Today is a perfect example of why I should take a scale break. I weighed first thing this morning, as per above and the scale produced a lovely number, I was thrilled. Oh happy day the new plan is working. Then I showered, dried off, blew my hair dry and just before I got dressed I wanted to see that beautiful (confirming) number again. The second time around the number was increased by 1.5. *sigh* seriously?  Where did my fabulous number go? I had seen the second number several times. There is nothing magical about the second number. Hm… maybe that means there’s nothing magical about the first number either. And why should how I feel be dictated by a number?

Then I saw this quote and it made me think that my days on the scale may be numbered (no pun intended)

“Balance is what you find when you step off the scale”

At the end of December we recieved paperwork from the state of NC to begin the official process of becoming eligible to adopt our nieces and nephew. The paperwork was pretty much as expected, our general personal and contact info, work history, family history and then the not so expected “life story”.

Three pages of the packet they sent us was devoted to questions for us to individually answer about how we came to be the people we are today. It covered everything from “describe your mother and father, what was your relationship like growing up, what is your relationship like today. describe the homes you grew up in. describe your relationship with your siblings, now and in the past. describe what you like most about your spouse, and least. how do you make decisions in your family. how are emotions displayed in your family” and it went on and on like that for three typewritten pages.

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Jeremy found this as part of a Fark headline. He read the stats to me and I absolutely could not believe it.

If you aren’t going to the link I’ll go ahead and tell you, it’s a milkshake available from Baskin & Robbins that has 2600 calories with 1220 of them from fat. I feel a coronary coming on just reading that. It’s a huge (36 ounce) shake, but I’m sure I could drink it. How many people are drinking these with no clue?

For those who need a little perspective, according to Cooking Light magazine a woman 25-50 years of age should take in no more than 2000 calories in a day. When I had my last heart rate test at the gym my number was around 1600 to lose weight. In a one hour spin class I usually burn between 500 and 600 calories. That means that if I drank (DRANK I wouldn’t even get to chew it!) this shake I would have to work my ass off in 5 spin classes JUST TO STAY AHEAD of the calories. And that doesn’t even account for the 59 grams of SATURATED fat. I wouldn’t be able to have a cholesterol test for like 3 months!

I guess my point is this, know what you are using for fuel. Fuel, that’s how I’ve come to look at food most recently. Is what I’m putting in my body going to help me do what I need to do? Is it going to get me through the day? through the stress? through the work-outs? If I eat crap I’m going to feel like crap. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of feeling like crap.

Eat consciously, be aware. Even when you splurge, be aware.

P.S. another possible word for the year: Focus

It has been pointed out to me that in my previous post I didn’t thank God for my husband. Does that mean I take our relationship for granted? Hardly. Several years ago we hit a marital wall and one of the things I learned then was to be sure not to take our relationship for granted. It’s almost as if our marriage is in it’s own separate category. To add it to the list of things below would somehow diminish all that it really is.

These thoughts have been rambling through my head since I made that post. Jeremy had surgery a couple weeks ago and in the first few hours of that experience and into the coming days these thoughts came together. Thus, a convergence of thought.

• I am thankful for a vital husband who is extremely capable and talented
• It makes me smile that even through his pain (emotional or physical) he still tries to make me laugh and often succeeds
• During the first hours and days of his recovery I helped him get dressed, socks, shirts the whole bit. It occurred to me how grateful I was that this wasn’t our normal. That he will get better and he’ll be able to care personally for himself. I was happy to do it, don’t get me wrong, but I was glad that it was temporary and not a Christopher Reeve situation.
• At one time I would have said we are lucky. These days can’t say I really believe in luck so much (check back if we ever win the lottery). I know that we both work hard at our relationship and I know we are both committed to it.
• I am thrilled to be with someone that I would be attracted to and desire to be with even if I met him for the first time today.
• It’s interesting to note that we’ve known each other for 20 years and yet I learned just a few weeks ago that he likes Laffy Taffy. who knew?! I can’t help but wonder what else I’ll learn in the coming years.

I do thank God for my husband and our marriage. I don’t take it for granted. It is something so precious and so dear that it is difficult for me to put into black and white words on a page. It feels as though the words limit what it is.

So, there it is. Some people might say we are lucky to have been together for 20 years (married for 17), and I suppose in some ways we are, but the two of us know the hard work and committment it has taken and will continue to take. Here’s to 18 years in 2009!

Every night (that I’m home, which is most nights) I pray with Emily.  She has a prayer she says, one that my mom taught her.  The second part of the prayer starts with the “God-blesses” we “God Bless” everyone on our list, then we do the “Thank you Gods” as we have come to call them.  It’s a different list each night, but there are several repeats.  My point in teaching her to pray this way is to teach her to pray for others and also to be thankful.  She’ll learn the asking part in due time, and frankly I don’t have that part down so I have left it out for now.

A few weeks ago in church we discussed various things about being thankful.  One option was to list our thanks physically on a huge piece of craft paper taped to a table.  We made a list very similar to the one we come up with each night.  Ever since then I’ve been even more conscientious (really don’t know how to spell that word) about thinking what I’m thankful for.  Here goes:

• a safe reliable car to drive
• warm clothes to wear
• a heated nice house to live in
• enough food
• a computer
• access to healthcare
• a healthy body and access to a fabulous gym
• amazing friends
• sound financial advice
• working appliances
• a cozy warm bed to sleep in
• running water and toilets that flush
• a happy healthy child

Life has been stressful and it will continue to be so.  By continuing to be thankful I feel like I am being taken care of and that my glass is (at least) half full.

Thank you!

Requirement number one was to love them, and I probably jumped the gun with the next step being to get custody. Depending on how I figure it’s either number two (and I’ll shift getting custody) or I’ll squeeze it in at 1.5. Either way, my next suggestion is NOT to ride the roller coaster. It’s right there, a bright shiny, roller coaster of emotion just waiting for your mind, body and soul, but don’t do it. You will need the energy for when the children are actually living with you. (more…)

Last night we attended a fabulous party that celebrated two of our friends turning 40. The hostess had two girlie drinks available, one of which was labeled S** on the Beach. (I loved that because she has kiddos in the house and didn’t want to deal with bottled sex in the kitchen. hee hee) As the night progressed one of the guests was deciding what to drink and she chose the sex because, according to her, “I might as well drink it even if I’ve never done it. (on the beach that is)” People nearby chuckled and I piped up, “That’s OK, because it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” That apparently was the wrong thing to say. One person promptly asked how much I’d had to drink (not much) and others appeared surprised that I’d say such a thing, out loud, in public.

Let me explain… there is sand and wind on the beach. Need I say more? My comment was meant to disspell the myth of the Hollywood sexy beach scene. By now, as reasonably well-educated adults, we should realize that EVERY Hollywood scene is well-lit, designed and rehearsed over and over. When the non-professionals attempt to recreate such a scene we forget about things like sand and wind. So, my comment was in no way related to the quality of the actual encounter, but rather the surroundings that left much, much to be desired.

There. The conversation last night moved much too fast for me to defend my comment. But here it is now for all the web to see.

A quick search on Amazon comes up empty for books with this title. Since it isn’t written yet, maybe I’ll write it.

The short story is that JD’s sister has left her kids for the umpteenth time with their mom, the children’s grandmother. Grandma is capable of handling one of the kids at a time for a day at a time. I don’t think that’s unusual. When my sister-in-law leaves it’s usually under the guise of “I’m gonna go get a Coke, I’ll be right back” and she’s gone for anywhere from 12 hours to a week, without any communication or way to get ahold of her (she won’t answer her cell phone). This happened, most recently, yesterday. However, yesterday CPS and the police were called to take the children because grandma could no longer care for them. This is new. This has never happened before. It’s time.

This starts a clock for their mother. The mother now has 48 hours to claim her kids. If she does then the circus starts all over again. If she doesn’t then she has six months to take classes and follow the rules set by the state to regain custody of her children. It isn’t a perfect system by any means. The laws are all on her side. We have to wait and see what she does. She may do nothing and the children will be available at the end of six months for placement. She may pull it together and regain custody. In all likelihood she’ll get her act together a little, just enough and this will drag out for more than six months. (more…)