The little girl and I recently returned from a trip out west. Due to a savvy case worker and a six hour road trip we were able to reconnect with the children over lunch and a playdate at the park. Let me say this, there are alot of things wrong with CPS and the foster care system, but any social worker willing to drive six hours (each way) with three small children in one day so that we could all see each other gets some kudos in my book. We drove from WA, they drove from CA and we met in OR. As soon as the kiddos saw each other they were instantly “best cousins” all over again. At lunch they were making potty jokes, giggling and telling stories. The youngest babe sat on my lap and ate fries. It was delightful. After we filled our bellies we headed to the park.

We lucked out and it was a fabulous sunny day. We had packed snacks, sand toys, sidewalk chalk, and bubbles. They ran, swung on the swings, spun around, shot basketballs, blew bubbles, slid down the slide(s), traced each other in chalk, hopped hopscotch, and smiled for the camera. We were able to savor this family bliss for about 2.5 hours. It was not long enough. I had to make a conscious effort not to cry when it was time to say good-bye. I knew if I started they would follow and that would just be bad all the way around. We gave them gifts to play with on the car ride back to CA, we blew kisses and the social worker made promises of trying to get a visit to NC this summer. And instead of my heart breaking while saying good-bye, it grew. It grew as only a parent’s (guardian, care-giver) heart can. It grew the size of four small children (including our own dear sweet little girl) ranging in age from seven to one. It was great to see them all smiling, happy and healthy.

It was good to reconnect. Aug. 10th is the next court date.

Today is a perfect example of why I should take a scale break. I weighed first thing this morning, as per above and the scale produced a lovely number, I was thrilled. Oh happy day the new plan is working. Then I showered, dried off, blew my hair dry and just before I got dressed I wanted to see that beautiful (confirming) number again. The second time around the number was increased by 1.5. *sigh* seriously?  Where did my fabulous number go? I had seen the second number several times. There is nothing magical about the second number. Hm… maybe that means there’s nothing magical about the first number either. And why should how I feel be dictated by a number?

Then I saw this quote and it made me think that my days on the scale may be numbered (no pun intended)

“Balance is what you find when you step off the scale”

2100 calories on “rest” days

2400 calories on workout days, workouts ~500 calories, 5 days out of seven

This takes alot of trust on my part. Trust isn’t exactly my strong suit (stop laughing!) and 2400 calories sounds like, feels like and is more calories than it seems like should work. We’ll see.

2000 calories a day, 500 calorie workouts at least five times a week. This for twelve weeks.

Food is fuel.

Work-out #1 is complete, looking forward to workout #2 tomorrow. 

Strong, healthy girls! (By the way this what I tell our daughter when she asks why we go to the gym, “Because we need to be strong, healthy girls”)

I’m halfway to my original goal, ok, maybe more like three-fifths.  Still, I’ve got a ways to go.  Even though I’m extremely proud of my results thus far I knew I wasn’t going to be happy with myself if I settled.  So here’s to not settling!  Here’s to not being afraid of swimsuit season!  Here’s to being a strong healthy woman (and an example to our daughter).

Oh! did I mention I’ve committed to a 5K in May.  Yikes!

I don’t know that I’m siding with him so much as cutting him some slack.  Running a household is a job.  The schedules, shopping, maintenance, cleaning, childcare, it’s a huge job.  Ideally every home and family would have it’s own version of nanny/admin/housekeeper, but they don’t and these tasks fall to the adults in the family.  So what happens when one of the adults is out of town? Why is it expected that when someone else has to do that job that they would be able to step up to the plate immediately and hit a home run?  Why should we expect everything to be the same with someone else in charge?

If I had to do my spouses job I would be utterly useless, and that would be just figuring out the parking.  I don’t know how to run a team, read office politics, let alone the actual brainiac work that is IT Management.  So why then when I go away should I expect that he would know how to run the house like I do?  And why is how I do it the right way?

Honestly, from the time I started leaving for a weekend (when the baby was two years old) I was so thrilled at the thought of not being responsible for anyone else for two whole days that I didn’t really care what I came home to.  I’m happy that I have a husband who works a job that provides us with the cushion of enjoying extra things like weekends away.  Sometimes I take flak for prepping the pantry, laying out snacks, putting a casserole in the fridge, or planning an activity for them before I leave.  But isn’t this similar to what the teacher does for the substitute?  Wouldn’t I need some direction if I had to walk into an unfamiliar building and run a business?  If even for a day?

It’s my job to know that Friday is Spirit Day at school and our daughter needs to wear blue and a funny hat.  It’s my job to pack a nutritious lunch and have the pantry stocked so I can do so.  It’s my job to know the name, number and location of the vet.  It’s my job to know where all the vital household documents are. I’m on-call if the child gets sick at school.  Why is it my job?  Because we talked about it before we got married.  I’m a traditional gal and we decided that whoever could make the most money would work and whoever didn’t would stay home.  Most of the time I’m content to do it and yet like everyone else in their job it’s a grind sometimes.  I’m pretty sure though that no one else is signing up for it so it’s all mine.   Gotta love job security.

Beyonce channels Sasha Fierce when she’s onstage. Sasha does and says things that Beyonce may be uncomfortable doing in her everyday, offstage, life. She talked about this a bit on Oprah. It came to my mind the other day when I was at the gym and I realized how much of an escape it can be for me to be there.

In spin class I can be behind Lance Armstrong in the Tour de France going as fast as my legs can fly. In cardio funk/salsa I can be on a cruise or in Cancun shakin’ my hips to the music. I’m not anyone’s mother, I’m not in charge of what’s for dinner, I don’t have to be anywhere else. I can push my body and enjoy what my body can do. It has become, for me, a bit of an escape.

Over the last seven months when JD was unemployed my goal at the gym would often be to forget the stress. My goal was to be exhausted physically, to ask so much of my body that I would literally forget the stress. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, sometimes I hurt myself. It still felt good to try to get out of my head and to focus on one thing for one hour. One of the instructors actually jokes before class that her goal is to make us forget everything else that we have to do that day. Yes! I’m all for that.

The unemployment stress is dissolving. The constant nagging fear is dissipating. But I think I learned a helpful thing along the way. I learned how to focus and how to push myself (I didn’t hurt myself badly, a few days of VERY sore muscles). I don’t think I’m ADD or anything, but I sometimes have a tough time focusing on one thing to completion. If adopting a persona helps me get there I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

Now, if I could just channel Peter Walsh to get my house in order I’d be golden!

1. I started Kindergarten when I was four years old. By high school I was the youngest in the class.

2. I have lived in in 18 different homes, in 10 different towns, in different four states.

3. Except for a school year in Missouri, I’ve always lived in states that border an ocean.

4. My leg (femur) was broken in a car accident when I was in 2nd grade. I was in the hospital for a month, at home in a body cast for a month and then at home on crutches for another month.

5. In 8th grade I had the chance to go to the Jackson Five Victory tour in Vancouver, BC (for free) and didn’t because I didn’t think it would be a very Christian thing to do. I’m STILL kicking myself for not going. Not cuz I’m a Michael Jackson fan, cuz I’m not, but I really think it would’ve been an incredible thing to see.

6. I traveled to Baja Mexico for a mission trip the summer before my sophomore year of high school. It forever changed how I view what I *need*.

7. Even though I was a band geek (flute) I was voted to be a cheerleader as well.

8. I started playing the flute in 5th grade band. I played until my early 20s and haven’t played since. Growing up I was often in vocal choirs. I haven’t in the past seven years and I miss it.

9. I attended an all women’s college (Cottey College, Nevada MO) for one school year.

10. In a children’s theater production at Cottey I played Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh.

11. During my second year of college I managed the 99 cent theater in town. I learned how to splice film together and run a cinema grade projector.

12. Because of the above mentioned job I have listened to the Rocky Horror Picture Show more times than I care to count.

13. I married my high school sweet heart. And we are still happily married!!!

14. For our tenth anniversary we celebrated with a trip to Hawaii, a new diamond for me and a house (in NC). We will have a difficult time topping that in the future.

15. We had the name Emily picked out since the early 1990s. There are a few people who may actually remember. I was very distressed when Alex Trebeck named his daughter Emily in the early 90s.

16. Until I witnessed a friend give birth I was convinced I would not be able to do it.

17. If I were to go back to college it would be to get my RN and masters for mid-wifery.

18. My dream car for years was a Volvo wagon. I’ve driven one for the last seven years.

19. I have eaten crepes at the base of the Eiffel Tower.

20. My number one goal as a parent is to raise a child who can give and receive love in healthy ways.

21. My favorite Disney princess is Belle (because she reads alot)

22. At Starbucks I order a tall, non-fat mocha, no whip.

23. If I could live anywhere it would be the Oregon Coast.

24. My favorite color is the darkest of navy blue.

25. I’ve decided that high thread count sheets, massages, psycho therapy and good hair cuts are worth the expense.

If you aren’t going to the link I’ll go ahead and tell you, it’s a milkshake available from Baskin & Robbins that has 2600 calories with 1220 of them from fat. I feel a coronary coming on just reading that. It’s a huge (36 ounce) shake, but I’m sure I could drink it. How many people are drinking these with no clue?

For those who need a little perspective, according to Cooking Light magazine a woman 25-50 years of age should take in no more than 2000 calories in a day. When I had my last heart rate test at the gym my number was around 1600 to lose weight. In a one hour spin class I usually burn between 500 and 600 calories. That means that if I drank (DRANK I wouldn’t even get to chew it!) this shake I would have to work my ass off in 5 spin classes JUST TO STAY AHEAD of the calories. And that doesn’t even account for the 59 grams of SATURATED fat. I wouldn’t be able to have a cholesterol test for like 3 months!

I guess my point is this, know what you are using for fuel. Fuel, that’s how I’ve come to look at food most recently. Is what I’m putting in my body going to help me do what I need to do? Is it going to get me through the day? through the stress? through the work-outs? If I eat crap I’m going to feel like crap. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of feeling like crap.

Eat consciously, be aware. Even when you splurge, be aware.

P.S. another possible word for the year: Focus

Past words:

• 2006 Peace
• 2007 Balance
• 2008 Breathe

Suggestions?