Jenn's Zen

My one New Year’s Resolution has been not to buy diet soda to drink in the house. Turns out I did buy it, for a friend who frequents our house and then I gave in to temptation and drank three Diet Pepsis in three days. I know, shameful right? I’m back on the wagon.

My choice then becomes what to drink? No diet soda. Why? because of the artificial sweeteners. OK. All the other flavored drinks I’ve looked at have some sort of artificial sweetener. Not any better. Juice, Fruit2O, Sparkling Rain, all have either sugar (calories) or artificial sweetener (chemical crap). I went through this same mentality when I was pregnant. I would get three drinks into a Diet Caffeine Free Coke and have to throw it out. Mommy guilt, nothing good for the baby in that.

That leaves me with water. Thanks to friends I can infuse my water with yummy things like cucumber and pretend I’m drinking my water from the spa. But water, plain simple water. I will drink it and I will learn to like it.

**exceptions: two cups of coffee in the AM, white w/ half and half and sugar. And if I’m drinking out it’s rum and diet all night long. A girl must have her vices after all.**

“…creative work causes us to secrete dopamine, a hormone that can make us feel absorbed and fulfilled without feeling manic. This is in sharp contrast to the fight-or-flight mechanism, which is associated with hysteria hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Research indicates that we’re most creative when we’re happy and relaxed, and conversely, that we can steer our brains into this state by undertaking a creative task.

To get a dopamine “hit,” make something that pushes you to the furthest edge of your ability, where you’re not only focused but learning and perfecting skills…At first, depending on how addicted to mania you happen to be, the excitement-grubbing part of your brain won’t want to stop obsessing about over-the-top experiences. It will cling to its fantasies about the next huge thrill…keep creating.

As you persist, your brain will eventually yield to the state psychologists call mindfulness. Your emotions will calm, even if you’re physically and mentally active. You won’t notice happiness when it first appears, because in true presence, the mind’s frantic searching stops. In its place arises a fascination with what’s occurring here and now. Though this feeling is subtle, it’s the opposite of dull. It’s infinitely varied and exquisite.

The aftermath of a creative surge, especially one that involves a new skill, is a sense of accomplishment and increased self-efficacy-which psychologists recognize as an important counter to depression…you’re left with the happy fatigue of someone who is building strength.

Pay attention to this process, and you’ll see that the motivation to be here and now will gradually grow stronger than the cultural pressure to seek excitement. You’ll find yourself increasingly able to tune in to the delights of the present even when you’re not actively creating. When this happens, you’ll be on your way to genuine happiness: abundant, sustainable delight in the beautiful moments of ordinary life.”

Go be creative!!!

From O magazine, February 2012, Martha Beck

patient, kind, hopeful (I Corinthians 13). Those are the easy answers. Most people won’t disagree with those. They make frequent appearances in weddings and find their way onto our walls, bookmarks, Hallmark cards in various forms of verse.

What about the (much debated) “language” of love? And what to do when feelings of love and actions of humans don’t match? Loving someone can be easy, yes? Getting along through life with them can be tough. Is love ever wrong? Unhealthy? sure. but wrong? I don’t know. (more…)

At the risk of freaking out my family and friends I’d like to share and excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love that has made me “go hm….”. As an adult woman I should be able to express my thoughts and not worry so much about ramifications. I guess I’m not quite there yet, but I do want to share this.

“I have many friends in New York who are not religious people. Most, I would say, either they fell away from the spiritual teachings of their youth or they never grew up with any God to begin with. Naturally, some of them are a bit freaked out by my newfound efforts to reach holiness. Jokes are made, of course. As my friend Bobby quipped once while he was trying to fix my computer: “No offense to your aura, but you still don’t know (swear) about downloading software.” I roll with the jokes. I think it’s all funny too. Of course it is. (more…)

This could also be titled, “My Heart Grew Four Sizes That Day”. 

The little girl and I recently returned from a trip out west. Due to a savvy case worker and a six hour road trip we were able to reconnect with the children over lunch and a playdate at the park. Let me say this, there are alot of things wrong with CPS and the foster care system, but any social worker willing to drive six hours (each way) with three small children in one day so that we could all see each other gets some kudos in my book. We drove from WA, they drove from CA and we met in OR. As soon as the kiddos saw each other they were instantly “best cousins” all over again. At lunch they were making potty jokes, giggling and telling stories. The youngest babe sat on my lap and ate fries. It was delightful. After we filled our bellies we headed to the park.

We lucked out and it was a fabulous sunny day. We had packed snacks, sand toys, sidewalk chalk, and bubbles. They ran, swung on the swings, spun around, shot basketballs, blew bubbles, slid down the slide(s), traced each other in chalk, hopped hopscotch, and smiled for the camera. We were able to savor this family bliss for about 2.5 hours. It was not long enough. I had to make a conscious effort not to cry when it was time to say good-bye. I knew if I started they would follow and that would just be bad all the way around. We gave them gifts to play with on the car ride back to CA, we blew kisses and the social worker made promises of trying to get a visit to NC this summer. And instead of my heart breaking while saying good-bye, it grew. It grew as only a parent’s (guardian, care-giver) heart can. It grew the size of four small children (including our own dear sweet little girl) ranging in age from seven to one. It was great to see them all smiling, happy and healthy.

It was good to reconnect. Aug. 10th is the next court date.

I have a love/hate relationship with my scale. I love when it shows numbers I want to see and I hate it when it doesn’t show me the numbers I want to see. I am addicted to my scale. For two years I have weighed myself at least once a day (in the morning, after I’ve peed, if you must know) and I think that proves I’m a little crazy. I’ve considered not weighing for a month, based on the whole, “it takes 28 days to change/break your habit”. So far I’ve been wildly unsuccessful at not weighing. How else will I know if I’m progressing? How will I know if I’m eating right? And I know all the answers to those questions, “go by how you feel” “go by how your clothes fit”, blah, blah, blah…

Today is a perfect example of why I should take a scale break. I weighed first thing this morning, as per above and the scale produced a lovely number, I was thrilled. Oh happy day the new plan is working. Then I showered, dried off, blew my hair dry and just before I got dressed I wanted to see that beautiful (confirming) number again. The second time around the number was increased by 1.5. *sigh* seriously?  Where did my fabulous number go? I had seen the second number several times. There is nothing magical about the second number. Hm… maybe that means there’s nothing magical about the first number either. And why should how I feel be dictated by a number?

Then I saw this quote and it made me think that my days on the scale may be numbered (no pun intended)

“Balance is what you find when you step off the scale”

After a couple days of my new plan I emailed the trainer at the gym and verified the numbers I was using. He promptly replied back that I needed to add calories. Did I hear you correctly!? Are you sure? So, I did. The revised plan:

2100 calories on “rest” days

2400 calories on workout days, workouts ~500 calories, 5 days out of seven

This takes alot of trust on my part. Trust isn’t exactly my strong suit (stop laughing!) and 2400 calories sounds like, feels like and is more calories than it seems like should work. We’ll see.

A new plan, not in any way related to the New Deal.

2000 calories a day, 500 calorie workouts at least five times a week. This for twelve weeks.

Food is fuel.

Work-out #1 is complete, looking forward to workout #2 tomorrow. 

Strong, healthy girls! (By the way this what I tell our daughter when she asks why we go to the gym, “Because we need to be strong, healthy girls”)

This is my way of staying accountable, by announcing to the web that I’m going back on the food diary wagon.  Tomorrow morning I’m getting up early and heading to Lifetime Fitness to get my metabolic numbers so I’ll know how many calories my body needs.  Then I will be able to calculate how much I can eat and how much I need to work out in order to lose weight.  This is part of what I did before that worked so well.  In my opinion it’s the scientific, non-sexy way to lose weight.  It requires math (thank goodness for spreadsheets) and honesty, but like I said it worked last time.

I’m halfway to my original goal, ok, maybe more like three-fifths.  Still, I’ve got a ways to go.  Even though I’m extremely proud of my results thus far I knew I wasn’t going to be happy with myself if I settled.  So here’s to not settling!  Here’s to not being afraid of swimsuit season!  Here’s to being a strong healthy woman (and an example to our daughter).

Oh! did I mention I’ve committed to a 5K in May.  Yikes!

Am I the only person who sometimes feels bad for the husband who is depicted as clumsily taking care of his own children?  This week in the comic strip For Better For Worse the mother has been out of town and dad has been home taking care of the children.  As per the stereotype of this situation he doesn’t know the routine or where anything is located in the house.  If I side with this guy do I have to turn in my neighborhood mommy card? Am I siding with the enemy?

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