The little girl and I recently returned from a trip out west. Due to a savvy case worker and a six hour road trip we were able to reconnect with the children over lunch and a playdate at the park. Let me say this, there are alot of things wrong with CPS and the foster care system, but any social worker willing to drive six hours (each way) with three small children in one day so that we could all see each other gets some kudos in my book. We drove from WA, they drove from CA and we met in OR. As soon as the kiddos saw each other they were instantly “best cousins” all over again. At lunch they were making potty jokes, giggling and telling stories. The youngest babe sat on my lap and ate fries. It was delightful. After we filled our bellies we headed to the park.

We lucked out and it was a fabulous sunny day. We had packed snacks, sand toys, sidewalk chalk, and bubbles. They ran, swung on the swings, spun around, shot basketballs, blew bubbles, slid down the slide(s), traced each other in chalk, hopped hopscotch, and smiled for the camera. We were able to savor this family bliss for about 2.5 hours. It was not long enough. I had to make a conscious effort not to cry when it was time to say good-bye. I knew if I started they would follow and that would just be bad all the way around. We gave them gifts to play with on the car ride back to CA, we blew kisses and the social worker made promises of trying to get a visit to NC this summer. And instead of my heart breaking while saying good-bye, it grew. It grew as only a parent’s (guardian, care-giver) heart can. It grew the size of four small children (including our own dear sweet little girl) ranging in age from seven to one. It was great to see them all smiling, happy and healthy.

It was good to reconnect. Aug. 10th is the next court date.

A few things made the shift to letting her watch a little easier. 1) JD gets home later than he used to.  So their time together was taking a hit. 2) The little girl was starting to do the bedtime procrastination thing.  All parents and caregivers are familiar with it. The dawdling, the requests for water, time in the bathroom, did I mention dawdling?  It was pushing bedtime further and further (closer to my prime-time viewing actually). And by allowing her to watch Wheel of Fortune both of these things were solved.  JD watches with her and it has become one of their special things.  Be careful if you watch with them, you can’t just blurt out the puzzle if you think you know.  Our rule has become that she has to be ready for bed (jammied up and teeth brushed) before she can watch.  Done.  Easy Peasy.

It’s hilarious to watch with her.  She’ll usually comment on Vanna’s lovely dress (the color, how sparkly, how long it is).  Then she does what we all did.  It’ll be a five word puzzle and they’ve called T,H and E. “I know, it’s something, something, THE, something, something, something”.  I’m not even kidding.  That’s exactly what she says.  And I laugh EVERY time.  She was shocked to learn that when mommy watched the show as a little girl Vanna had to actually turn the letters.  It took some explaining, but she was impressed.

Another generation of Wheel.  Merv would be proud.

I don’t know that I’m siding with him so much as cutting him some slack.  Running a household is a job.  The schedules, shopping, maintenance, cleaning, childcare, it’s a huge job.  Ideally every home and family would have it’s own version of nanny/admin/housekeeper, but they don’t and these tasks fall to the adults in the family.  So what happens when one of the adults is out of town? Why is it expected that when someone else has to do that job that they would be able to step up to the plate immediately and hit a home run?  Why should we expect everything to be the same with someone else in charge?

If I had to do my spouses job I would be utterly useless, and that would be just figuring out the parking.  I don’t know how to run a team, read office politics, let alone the actual brainiac work that is IT Management.  So why then when I go away should I expect that he would know how to run the house like I do?  And why is how I do it the right way?

Honestly, from the time I started leaving for a weekend (when the baby was two years old) I was so thrilled at the thought of not being responsible for anyone else for two whole days that I didn’t really care what I came home to.  I’m happy that I have a husband who works a job that provides us with the cushion of enjoying extra things like weekends away.  Sometimes I take flak for prepping the pantry, laying out snacks, putting a casserole in the fridge, or planning an activity for them before I leave.  But isn’t this similar to what the teacher does for the substitute?  Wouldn’t I need some direction if I had to walk into an unfamiliar building and run a business?  If even for a day?

It’s my job to know that Friday is Spirit Day at school and our daughter needs to wear blue and a funny hat.  It’s my job to pack a nutritious lunch and have the pantry stocked so I can do so.  It’s my job to know the name, number and location of the vet.  It’s my job to know where all the vital household documents are. I’m on-call if the child gets sick at school.  Why is it my job?  Because we talked about it before we got married.  I’m a traditional gal and we decided that whoever could make the most money would work and whoever didn’t would stay home.  Most of the time I’m content to do it and yet like everyone else in their job it’s a grind sometimes.  I’m pretty sure though that no one else is signing up for it so it’s all mine.   Gotta love job security.

Three pages of the packet they sent us was devoted to questions for us to individually answer about how we came to be the people we are today. It covered everything from “describe your mother and father, what was your relationship like growing up, what is your relationship like today. describe the homes you grew up in. describe your relationship with your siblings, now and in the past. describe what you like most about your spouse, and least. how do you make decisions in your family. how are emotions displayed in your family” and it went on and on like that for three typewritten pages.

We didn’t fill it out right away because JD had been unemployed and we figured it wouldn’t do any good to fill out the paperwork until he had secured a job. So, we waited until mid-January when his position at UNC came through (whoo hoo!!!). Because of that delay we had read the pages of questions several times and had time to ruminate over them. When the time came to put pen to paper, or rather fingertips to keyboard, we were ready. It still took me over four hours to finish nine pages of answers. JD finished a tad faster and had more pages (eleven if my memory serves).

With paperwork in hand I met with the placement specialist and turned in our “homework”. She promptly scheduled a home visit. *GULP* I was ill-prepared for her to be ready to schedule the visit. Between the paperwork and the scheduling of the home visit it all of a sudden felt like this was really happening. We could possibly be placed with three children. I was shaking. I shook all the way home. I was probably still shaking when JD got home that night. 

A few court dates have gone by in CA. No decisions have been made. No recommendation can be made until our home visit is complete. The next court date in CA is scheduled after our home visit, coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. We do not have four kids right now. We will not have four kids in the month of February. How do you raise your sister’s kids? Eventually you have to pass the home visit. Wish us luck!

Currently the children are in their third foster home. They have been “in the system” approximately eight weeks. To be perfectly honest I’ve had to distance myself a small bit from dwelling on this and obsessing about all that they must be thinking and feeling (avoiding the roller coaster). If and when they are here, living permanently in our home, we will work through it with them then. Maybe what I imagine they are going through is actually better, or possibly worse, but there isn’t much I feel we can do until we have them.

All of the information that we receive is second hand. Shasta County knows that we exist and knows that we’ve said we’ll accept and raise the children if they become available, but they don’t call and inform us of things. So, I have to filter all of the information based on where it comes from and then I can still only allow myself to go so far with it. Even if this drags on and on for months (and it will for at least three more) I have to believe that we did the right thing by turning the situation over to CPS. Even if I did allow myself to stay up nights worrying about that decision it wouldn’t matter because it’s done. And for the record, I don’t regret it at all. I have to believe that in the long run these beautiful children will benefit from their parents having to prove their ability to care and provide for them. That’s our goal in this. All children deserve to be loved and provided for, and these are three that we can help.

The short story is that JD’s sister has left her kids for the umpteenth time with their mom, the children’s grandmother. Grandma is capable of handling one of the kids at a time for a day at a time. I don’t think that’s unusual. When my sister-in-law leaves it’s usually under the guise of “I’m gonna go get a Coke, I’ll be right back” and she’s gone for anywhere from 12 hours to a week, without any communication or way to get ahold of her (she won’t answer her cell phone). This happened, most recently, yesterday. However, yesterday CPS and the police were called to take the children because grandma could no longer care for them. This is new. This has never happened before. It’s time.

This starts a clock for their mother. The mother now has 48 hours to claim her kids. If she does then the circus starts all over again. If she doesn’t then she has six months to take classes and follow the rules set by the state to regain custody of her children. It isn’t a perfect system by any means. The laws are all on her side. We have to wait and see what she does. She may do nothing and the children will be available at the end of six months for placement. She may pull it together and regain custody. In all likelihood she’ll get her act together a little, just enough and this will drag out for more than six months.

The children are six years, three years and six months old. My heart breaks for them. From the moment each one was born I told JD I would take them, accept them into our home as our own and raise them. Somehow deep in my soul I knew it would be a very real possibility that they would become our children. We have planned for them in ways that they don’t yet know. Each trip to CA I want to scoop them all up and bring them home with us. They didn’t ask for this. It isn’t their fault and yet, they are the ones suffering the consequences. It will be years until they can understand it all.

Their mother was and is young and unmarried. She has a grade school education, has been abused by her boyfriend (the children’s father) and has addictions of her own. I don’t blame her for her situation. I am deeply saddened that she does not realize the damage her actions have had and will continue to have on her children. I don’t doubt for a second that she doesn’t love them. She is simply unable to care for herself, let alone anyone else.

There is a simple way for her to surrender guardianship and temporarily assign it to JD and I (we would then apply for permanent guardianship), she won’t do it.

So, the first thing you must do if you are going to raise your sister’s kids is love them. The second thing you must do is get custody. The first was easy, done. The second will require more time for her and the state to make their decisions. In the mean time we’ll do what we need to do to get guardianship paperwork rolling so we’re ready when the children are available.

• Levi’s jeans
• t-shirt from Hard Rock Café (Maui, yes, I really went there)
• bra from Vera Wang
• undies from Gap Body
• and sweater from Abercrombie and Fitch

I’m not a label girl, really I’m not. I buy what I like and what fits and only pay what I want to pay. The jeans are the $20 variety from Target, the t-shirt was a tourist purchase almost 7 years ago, the bra was less than $20, the undies were on sale I’m sure of it, probably 3/$10 or some such thing. The sweater is of course the gem from our recent Goodwill outing. All could have been made in China, so possibly not so very American after all.

It was the perfect symbiosis of life as JD and I have figured out thus far. We all like to sleep in.  Well, to qualify that the little girl likes to “snuggle in”.  If someone is willing to get her something to eat and let her snuggle back into the bed to watch TV, the morning is golden. Because of our schedules, the way that they are, this is best enjoyed on Saturdays. This last week the breakfast and snuggling were delayed a bit even by E’s normal routine. She is usually up and ready to face the world at 6:45 am and then detained in her room until her clock reads 7:00 am. At that time she is allowed to venture out and seek comfort for her hungry belly and cold feet. This is of course assuming that she hasn’t already climbed into our bed between the hours of 1:00 and 4:00 am. When this happens, as long as she goes back to sleep, I don’t mind anymore (notice the anymore, I’m relaxing into motherhood!).

So, back to Saturday… 8:00 am E and I are up and had toast or cereal or some such token of breakfast. I got dressed, she got dressed and then we both went back to mommy and daddy’s room to watch TV. An hour or so later JD joined us in the awakened state. He was hungry, but neither cereal nor toast was sounding good. I mentioned IHOP and heard, “Do they deliver?” “Um, no.” And truthfully soggy lukewarm pancakes with rubbery eggs just don’t sound very good out of a Styrofoam box. The Saturday attire of t-shirt, hat, cargo shorts was donned by JD and off we went. Surprisingly the wait was less than 20 minutes and we were seated in a timely manner. YUM! When IHOP sounds good, and then I actually get to eat it, YUM! That’s all I have to say. By the way, I order the same thing EVERY time: Harvest nut & grain pancake combo, eggs over medium w/ sausage. High cholesterol be damned. It isn’t like I eat it every week, or even every month for that matter.
On the IHOP kid menu was a special Horton Hear’s a Who kid meal. The conversation then shifted to the movie, had we heard if it was good? Yes. Is it playing here in Apex? Yes. Hm… How would you feel about an afternoon movie? Delightful. Done. Plan in motion, leave from breakfast to purchase tickets.

With tickets secured we ventured over to Lowes Home Improvement store. There is probably a new bathroom in our future and we haven’t decided a few of the details yet. We walk around, agree (natural wood, brushed nickel), nod, and I learn my husband likes corner shower stalls and seamless sinks. We leave Lowes and the little girl is panicking because we didn’t check out, they are going to think we are stealing. We didn’t buy anything. This flummoxes her. Is it possible that this is the first time in the five years of her life that she remembers us (all three) leaving a store without a purchase?! Possible yes. To our defense, we rarely venture out to the retail arena to look/do research. We usually do the looking online and the purchasing while out and about. Neither of us wake up on any given day just dying to go look at stuff.

Next is the Goodwill. Treasure hunting. JD has his band and cool band duds are often found at GCF. $30 later we had 4-5 shirts, one pair of slacks, one tux vest (my find!), and (drum-roll please…) and Abercrombie and Fitch sweater which I am actually wearing at this moment. The expedition was cut short by the fact that E had to potty and GCF does not have public restrooms. Why? Why don’t they have a public potty?! Do they not know that people would spend all day digging through the bins and racks if in fact there was a place to pee?! Hm, maybe they don’t want us hanging around.

Gas station down a block had a clean public restroom and JD needed gas anyway.

On the same block was a jewelry store that could change the batteries in two of JD’s watches and fix the band on one of them. The storeowner was a very kind man who only asked for $10 for his services. Love it.

Next we headed back up the hill to ship two boxes and get stamps to FINALLY mail some belated items. The two boxes weren’t late yet so I was relieved to get them out. The envelopes were birthday cards and a check for our Girlscout cookies. I need them like a hole in the head, but that isn’t the point. My cousin sells them (she’s 12, or there abouts, right?) and she earns her way to camp each year. So, I kept forgetting to send my check. Done. No more nagging mail.

Then we went across the street for JD’s haircut. A quickie place but a little bit further up the food chain than the usual quickie place. As a bonus we discovered a possible new babysitter. This while JD tried not to sound like creepy old guy hitting on the girl asking her if she baby-sits, and gets her number.

We were still an hour or so early for the movie and I had Kohl’s cash burning a hole in my pocket. Kohl’s is next to the theater. Off we go. JD hits the clearance rack, shirts, pants, jeans, most for less than $10/ea. I went upstairs for an essential bra. The shoes I decided I liked after-all were not available in my size. Why didn’t I buy them when I was here a week ago? The picture frames in the ad are different than the ones in the store. sigh. On the way out JD sees some cute pants for E. She doesn’t need them, but they are super cute. Done, just in time to get across the parking lot and over to the movie.

At the theater JD knows what he wants at the concession stand, I can’t decide, in the process I actually say out loud that my child is odd for choosing water when offered whatever she wants to drink. Ah the joy. In the theater we have our choice of seating, we’re early and quite frankly I haven’t been to a crowded movie yet at this theater. Of course that isn’t saying much considering how very infrequently we attend. The movie was good. Not good enough that I’ll rush out to buy it on DVD, but good enough for a great family day together. The only hitch was in the previews. The first preview was for the new Indiana Jones movie. There was probably more violence in the three-minute clip that our darling sweet daughter had seen in her whole life, ever. We kept looking over her head at each other, looks of desperation on our faces. She is completely entranced. We decide to roll with it and deal with the fall out after.

Did I mention that it rained the whole time? Sometimes there was more of a downpour than others, but truly rained the whole time. We didn’t bring coats (wasn’t raining when we left) and we were in and out of the car a lot, but we didn’t care. We had a great day together. It felt good not to have a plan and yet get something accomplished. Kudos to us.

This however is no easy decision. The questions begin immediately, full-time? Part-time? What type of job? Do you look for something similar to what you did before having a child or something new? Does the new venture require after-school care? What about school breaks? Do you need to brush up on your skills? Can you make enough to cover the new expenses? Can you actually get hired? All of these things have to be addressed. Ultimately the goal is to find something that is PERFECT. Perfect for your family. I’ve been brainstorming this for months.

Do I continue to nanny? I can bring the little girl whenever necessary and this current family respects me and is very generous. Do I try to admin again? I love doing it, but the schedule blows. A tele-commuting admin kind of defeats the purpose. I briefly considered passing out resumes to various Doc offices to see if anyone needed a part-time, track three mommy to fill in. That seemed complicated.

What I’ve finally decided to pursue will probably come as no surprise to those who know me well. I’ve decided to put in an application for a teacher’s assistant and get on the same track as E. This way I’ll have the days off when she does for the most part. The pay is alright and I truly think I’d like the job. Years ago I went to school for elementary ed, so those thoughts and desires of helping to shape young minds still lurk within my soul.

So, today that’s my plan. We’ll see how it goes. Stay tuned for more updates.