What about the (much debated) “language” of love? And what to do when feelings of love and actions of humans don’t match? Loving someone can be easy, yes? Getting along through life with them can be tough. Is love ever wrong? Unhealthy? sure. but wrong? I don’t know.

We all yearn to be loved. We all delight in seeing someone’s eyes light up at our entrance. We all like knowing that someone has sought our attention, cares what we think, and has our back. I think we each have a desire to be known, and accepted. As a dear friend once stated, “I’m thankful for friends who know my shit and love me anyway”. I think it’s even deeper than that. It’s letting someone know your deepest thoughts and desires, wishes and dreams, weaknesses and failures. The love comes when the other person cherishes that information. The love comes when that person shares all of that with you. The love comes when you respect each other through it all. I think what kills love is when people stop respecting the information. When the people we’ve opening up to stomp all over our hearts or act like it didn’t mean anything after all.

A few decades ago as a teenager I had already come to a place where I decided I was done. Done. My heart had been broken, falling in love never ended happily ever after and I was done. Pretty jaded for a teen, but maybe that’s what the angst is all about. During this time I came across a book, I still have it. The title is, “The Next Time I Fall In Love”. It has graphs and insight on how we need to share on all levels equally in order to move forward healthfully in relationships. Basically the emotional sharing needs to happen before physical interactions, and the communication needs to continue at the same level of the “lovin’ touchin’ squeezin’ ” or else feelings get out of balance, people feel used, or possibly there is no foundation to build your relationship. This was fabulous information, and thus I kept the book to pass along the great wisdom to others.

Enter Jeremy Davis. A young man in search of relationship advice. Why he sought me out I will never know. But that’s how our story started. He found me during my time of relationship reflection, my time “off”. He was trying to make things work with another girl and wanted advice. And so I gave him all the advice I had at that time. As it turns out it was a whole train-ride’s worth. We followed it up with many long phone calls and a few heartfelt notes. For the record he didn’t follow my advice. He got his heart broken and I helped him put it back together. The rest is 23 years of history. We have history, we have depth, we have great love and respect.

After we had our daughter, Jeremy came up with a parenting goal for us, for her. Our goal is to love her in such a way that she learns how to give and receive love in healthy ways. If we can do that we will have given her a great gift.

Jeremy also said, “It’s not who you love, but that you love”. You heard it here first!

It can hurt to love and not have the feeling returned. It can hurt to love and not be respected. It can hurt to have loved and lose it all. Once you have picked up the pieces, dusted yourself off and continued down your path, don’t forget to love. Don’t give it away, or sell it cheaply. It is a treasure, treat it as such.

I don’t know that I’m siding with him so much as cutting him some slack.  Running a household is a job.  The schedules, shopping, maintenance, cleaning, childcare, it’s a huge job.  Ideally every home and family would have it’s own version of nanny/admin/housekeeper, but they don’t and these tasks fall to the adults in the family.  So what happens when one of the adults is out of town? Why is it expected that when someone else has to do that job that they would be able to step up to the plate immediately and hit a home run?  Why should we expect everything to be the same with someone else in charge?

If I had to do my spouses job I would be utterly useless, and that would be just figuring out the parking.  I don’t know how to run a team, read office politics, let alone the actual brainiac work that is IT Management.  So why then when I go away should I expect that he would know how to run the house like I do?  And why is how I do it the right way?

Honestly, from the time I started leaving for a weekend (when the baby was two years old) I was so thrilled at the thought of not being responsible for anyone else for two whole days that I didn’t really care what I came home to.  I’m happy that I have a husband who works a job that provides us with the cushion of enjoying extra things like weekends away.  Sometimes I take flak for prepping the pantry, laying out snacks, putting a casserole in the fridge, or planning an activity for them before I leave.  But isn’t this similar to what the teacher does for the substitute?  Wouldn’t I need some direction if I had to walk into an unfamiliar building and run a business?  If even for a day?

It’s my job to know that Friday is Spirit Day at school and our daughter needs to wear blue and a funny hat.  It’s my job to pack a nutritious lunch and have the pantry stocked so I can do so.  It’s my job to know the name, number and location of the vet.  It’s my job to know where all the vital household documents are. I’m on-call if the child gets sick at school.  Why is it my job?  Because we talked about it before we got married.  I’m a traditional gal and we decided that whoever could make the most money would work and whoever didn’t would stay home.  Most of the time I’m content to do it and yet like everyone else in their job it’s a grind sometimes.  I’m pretty sure though that no one else is signing up for it so it’s all mine.   Gotta love job security.

Three pages of the packet they sent us was devoted to questions for us to individually answer about how we came to be the people we are today. It covered everything from “describe your mother and father, what was your relationship like growing up, what is your relationship like today. describe the homes you grew up in. describe your relationship with your siblings, now and in the past. describe what you like most about your spouse, and least. how do you make decisions in your family. how are emotions displayed in your family” and it went on and on like that for three typewritten pages.

We didn’t fill it out right away because JD had been unemployed and we figured it wouldn’t do any good to fill out the paperwork until he had secured a job. So, we waited until mid-January when his position at UNC came through (whoo hoo!!!). Because of that delay we had read the pages of questions several times and had time to ruminate over them. When the time came to put pen to paper, or rather fingertips to keyboard, we were ready. It still took me over four hours to finish nine pages of answers. JD finished a tad faster and had more pages (eleven if my memory serves).

With paperwork in hand I met with the placement specialist and turned in our “homework”. She promptly scheduled a home visit. *GULP* I was ill-prepared for her to be ready to schedule the visit. Between the paperwork and the scheduling of the home visit it all of a sudden felt like this was really happening. We could possibly be placed with three children. I was shaking. I shook all the way home. I was probably still shaking when JD got home that night. 

A few court dates have gone by in CA. No decisions have been made. No recommendation can be made until our home visit is complete. The next court date in CA is scheduled after our home visit, coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. We do not have four kids right now. We will not have four kids in the month of February. How do you raise your sister’s kids? Eventually you have to pass the home visit. Wish us luck!

These thoughts have been rambling through my head since I made that post. Jeremy had surgery a couple weeks ago and in the first few hours of that experience and into the coming days these thoughts came together. Thus, a convergence of thought.

• I am thankful for a vital husband who is extremely capable and talented
• It makes me smile that even through his pain (emotional or physical) he still tries to make me laugh and often succeeds
• During the first hours and days of his recovery I helped him get dressed, socks, shirts the whole bit. It occurred to me how grateful I was that this wasn’t our normal. That he will get better and he’ll be able to care personally for himself. I was happy to do it, don’t get me wrong, but I was glad that it was temporary and not a Christopher Reeve situation.
• At one time I would have said we are lucky. These days can’t say I really believe in luck so much (check back if we ever win the lottery). I know that we both work hard at our relationship and I know we are both committed to it.
• I am thrilled to be with someone that I would be attracted to and desire to be with even if I met him for the first time today.
• It’s interesting to note that we’ve known each other for 20 years and yet I learned just a few weeks ago that he likes Laffy Taffy. who knew?! I can’t help but wonder what else I’ll learn in the coming years.

I do thank God for my husband and our marriage. I don’t take it for granted. It is something so precious and so dear that it is difficult for me to put into black and white words on a page. It feels as though the words limit what it is.

So, there it is. Some people might say we are lucky to have been together for 20 years (married for 17), and I suppose in some ways we are, but the two of us know the hard work and committment it has taken and will continue to take. Here’s to 18 years in 2009!

Currently the children are in their third foster home. They have been “in the system” approximately eight weeks. To be perfectly honest I’ve had to distance myself a small bit from dwelling on this and obsessing about all that they must be thinking and feeling (avoiding the roller coaster). If and when they are here, living permanently in our home, we will work through it with them then. Maybe what I imagine they are going through is actually better, or possibly worse, but there isn’t much I feel we can do until we have them.

All of the information that we receive is second hand. Shasta County knows that we exist and knows that we’ve said we’ll accept and raise the children if they become available, but they don’t call and inform us of things. So, I have to filter all of the information based on where it comes from and then I can still only allow myself to go so far with it. Even if this drags on and on for months (and it will for at least three more) I have to believe that we did the right thing by turning the situation over to CPS. Even if I did allow myself to stay up nights worrying about that decision it wouldn’t matter because it’s done. And for the record, I don’t regret it at all. I have to believe that in the long run these beautiful children will benefit from their parents having to prove their ability to care and provide for them. That’s our goal in this. All children deserve to be loved and provided for, and these are three that we can help.

Let me explain… there is sand and wind on the beach. Need I say more? My comment was meant to disspell the myth of the Hollywood sexy beach scene. By now, as reasonably well-educated adults, we should realize that EVERY Hollywood scene is well-lit, designed and rehearsed over and over. When the non-professionals attempt to recreate such a scene we forget about things like sand and wind. So, my comment was in no way related to the quality of the actual encounter, but rather the surroundings that left much, much to be desired.

There. The conversation last night moved much too fast for me to defend my comment. But here it is now for all the web to see.

The short story is that JD’s sister has left her kids for the umpteenth time with their mom, the children’s grandmother. Grandma is capable of handling one of the kids at a time for a day at a time. I don’t think that’s unusual. When my sister-in-law leaves it’s usually under the guise of “I’m gonna go get a Coke, I’ll be right back” and she’s gone for anywhere from 12 hours to a week, without any communication or way to get ahold of her (she won’t answer her cell phone). This happened, most recently, yesterday. However, yesterday CPS and the police were called to take the children because grandma could no longer care for them. This is new. This has never happened before. It’s time.

This starts a clock for their mother. The mother now has 48 hours to claim her kids. If she does then the circus starts all over again. If she doesn’t then she has six months to take classes and follow the rules set by the state to regain custody of her children. It isn’t a perfect system by any means. The laws are all on her side. We have to wait and see what she does. She may do nothing and the children will be available at the end of six months for placement. She may pull it together and regain custody. In all likelihood she’ll get her act together a little, just enough and this will drag out for more than six months.

The children are six years, three years and six months old. My heart breaks for them. From the moment each one was born I told JD I would take them, accept them into our home as our own and raise them. Somehow deep in my soul I knew it would be a very real possibility that they would become our children. We have planned for them in ways that they don’t yet know. Each trip to CA I want to scoop them all up and bring them home with us. They didn’t ask for this. It isn’t their fault and yet, they are the ones suffering the consequences. It will be years until they can understand it all.

Their mother was and is young and unmarried. She has a grade school education, has been abused by her boyfriend (the children’s father) and has addictions of her own. I don’t blame her for her situation. I am deeply saddened that she does not realize the damage her actions have had and will continue to have on her children. I don’t doubt for a second that she doesn’t love them. She is simply unable to care for herself, let alone anyone else.

There is a simple way for her to surrender guardianship and temporarily assign it to JD and I (we would then apply for permanent guardianship), she won’t do it.

So, the first thing you must do if you are going to raise your sister’s kids is love them. The second thing you must do is get custody. The first was easy, done. The second will require more time for her and the state to make their decisions. In the mean time we’ll do what we need to do to get guardianship paperwork rolling so we’re ready when the children are available.

I finished up She’s Come Undone recently at the gym between classes. This quote is at the very end of the book and it had me both laughing out loud and thinking at the same time.

“…I just don’t believe in happily-ever-after”

“I ain’t offering you happily-ever-after. I’m offering you…happily-maybe-sometimes-ever-after. Sort of. You know, with warts…”

Isn’t this so true?! Isn’t this all any of us really have to offer? When we get married we think we can offer the other person perfection (and thus receive it back in return) and yet in reality all we have to offer is ourselves, “You know, with warts”. It doesn’t sound nearly as romantic “happily-maybe-sometimes-ever-after” but isn’t it much more realistic? This isn’t what young girls dream about, but maybe they should because it’s true.

Happy Anniversary to us, warts and all.

::

Pastor Fred posted this fun visual test and JD and I just spent the last hour taking all the tests. So, that’s what we’ve been up to today. It’s a hang out day, the little girl is still in her cozies. We have a date tonight, the glamming up will start soon.

It was the perfect symbiosis of life as JD and I have figured out thus far. We all like to sleep in.  Well, to qualify that the little girl likes to “snuggle in”.  If someone is willing to get her something to eat and let her snuggle back into the bed to watch TV, the morning is golden. Because of our schedules, the way that they are, this is best enjoyed on Saturdays. This last week the breakfast and snuggling were delayed a bit even by E’s normal routine. She is usually up and ready to face the world at 6:45 am and then detained in her room until her clock reads 7:00 am. At that time she is allowed to venture out and seek comfort for her hungry belly and cold feet. This is of course assuming that she hasn’t already climbed into our bed between the hours of 1:00 and 4:00 am. When this happens, as long as she goes back to sleep, I don’t mind anymore (notice the anymore, I’m relaxing into motherhood!).

So, back to Saturday… 8:00 am E and I are up and had toast or cereal or some such token of breakfast. I got dressed, she got dressed and then we both went back to mommy and daddy’s room to watch TV. An hour or so later JD joined us in the awakened state. He was hungry, but neither cereal nor toast was sounding good. I mentioned IHOP and heard, “Do they deliver?” “Um, no.” And truthfully soggy lukewarm pancakes with rubbery eggs just don’t sound very good out of a Styrofoam box. The Saturday attire of t-shirt, hat, cargo shorts was donned by JD and off we went. Surprisingly the wait was less than 20 minutes and we were seated in a timely manner. YUM! When IHOP sounds good, and then I actually get to eat it, YUM! That’s all I have to say. By the way, I order the same thing EVERY time: Harvest nut & grain pancake combo, eggs over medium w/ sausage. High cholesterol be damned. It isn’t like I eat it every week, or even every month for that matter.
On the IHOP kid menu was a special Horton Hear’s a Who kid meal. The conversation then shifted to the movie, had we heard if it was good? Yes. Is it playing here in Apex? Yes. Hm… How would you feel about an afternoon movie? Delightful. Done. Plan in motion, leave from breakfast to purchase tickets.

With tickets secured we ventured over to Lowes Home Improvement store. There is probably a new bathroom in our future and we haven’t decided a few of the details yet. We walk around, agree (natural wood, brushed nickel), nod, and I learn my husband likes corner shower stalls and seamless sinks. We leave Lowes and the little girl is panicking because we didn’t check out, they are going to think we are stealing. We didn’t buy anything. This flummoxes her. Is it possible that this is the first time in the five years of her life that she remembers us (all three) leaving a store without a purchase?! Possible yes. To our defense, we rarely venture out to the retail arena to look/do research. We usually do the looking online and the purchasing while out and about. Neither of us wake up on any given day just dying to go look at stuff.

Next is the Goodwill. Treasure hunting. JD has his band and cool band duds are often found at GCF. $30 later we had 4-5 shirts, one pair of slacks, one tux vest (my find!), and (drum-roll please…) and Abercrombie and Fitch sweater which I am actually wearing at this moment. The expedition was cut short by the fact that E had to potty and GCF does not have public restrooms. Why? Why don’t they have a public potty?! Do they not know that people would spend all day digging through the bins and racks if in fact there was a place to pee?! Hm, maybe they don’t want us hanging around.

Gas station down a block had a clean public restroom and JD needed gas anyway.

On the same block was a jewelry store that could change the batteries in two of JD’s watches and fix the band on one of them. The storeowner was a very kind man who only asked for $10 for his services. Love it.

Next we headed back up the hill to ship two boxes and get stamps to FINALLY mail some belated items. The two boxes weren’t late yet so I was relieved to get them out. The envelopes were birthday cards and a check for our Girlscout cookies. I need them like a hole in the head, but that isn’t the point. My cousin sells them (she’s 12, or there abouts, right?) and she earns her way to camp each year. So, I kept forgetting to send my check. Done. No more nagging mail.

Then we went across the street for JD’s haircut. A quickie place but a little bit further up the food chain than the usual quickie place. As a bonus we discovered a possible new babysitter. This while JD tried not to sound like creepy old guy hitting on the girl asking her if she baby-sits, and gets her number.

We were still an hour or so early for the movie and I had Kohl’s cash burning a hole in my pocket. Kohl’s is next to the theater. Off we go. JD hits the clearance rack, shirts, pants, jeans, most for less than $10/ea. I went upstairs for an essential bra. The shoes I decided I liked after-all were not available in my size. Why didn’t I buy them when I was here a week ago? The picture frames in the ad are different than the ones in the store. sigh. On the way out JD sees some cute pants for E. She doesn’t need them, but they are super cute. Done, just in time to get across the parking lot and over to the movie.

At the theater JD knows what he wants at the concession stand, I can’t decide, in the process I actually say out loud that my child is odd for choosing water when offered whatever she wants to drink. Ah the joy. In the theater we have our choice of seating, we’re early and quite frankly I haven’t been to a crowded movie yet at this theater. Of course that isn’t saying much considering how very infrequently we attend. The movie was good. Not good enough that I’ll rush out to buy it on DVD, but good enough for a great family day together. The only hitch was in the previews. The first preview was for the new Indiana Jones movie. There was probably more violence in the three-minute clip that our darling sweet daughter had seen in her whole life, ever. We kept looking over her head at each other, looks of desperation on our faces. She is completely entranced. We decide to roll with it and deal with the fall out after.

Did I mention that it rained the whole time? Sometimes there was more of a downpour than others, but truly rained the whole time. We didn’t bring coats (wasn’t raining when we left) and we were in and out of the car a lot, but we didn’t care. We had a great day together. It felt good not to have a plan and yet get something accomplished. Kudos to us.